Where do the crazy's go? Walmart!
by skull pride
Summary: The things you see at Walmart during its night hours: Creepy employees, odd customers, an Elvis impersonator ect... The X-men find out what Walmart is like when the freaks come out at night and have an urge to do some late night shopping.


**This was a suggestion from my mother who also helped me with the finer details and much of the contents of this one shot. If your wondering, my mother works at walmart and has for a very long time. She has seen a lot of weird stuff over the years and much of it she has told me. At this point nothing phases her. A lot of the things are favorite x-men see is actually stuff my mom has seen. Hopefully I did atleast an okay job of depicting to you, my wonderful readers, what walmart is like and what some of the peculiar people that walk into the store can be like. **

**Please enjoy! And review!**

* * *

"Ohhhh Scott, we're getting bored over here!" said Rogue in a sing song voice. Her and most of the senior X-men were seated on a curb located on the side of the road which was located in the middle of nowhere. Rogue sat staring intently at Scott who was just a few feet away, he did not respond to Rogue's call but kept walking back and forth talking on his phone rapidly. Beside Rogue was Kitty and Kurt who, in their boredom, had taken to lazily throwing pebbles at each other. Jean sat on the other side of Rogue, gazing up into the night sky boredly.

Not to far away from them was the X-van that was haphazardly parked next to a glowing street light. The poor thing looked like a recking ball had been dropped on the hood. The whole front end was crushed, the wind shield cracked, the glass broken up to look like a spider web that was trying to branch out, the tires blown to bits like they were balloons.

If you were wondering, are favorite team of mutants had been on their way back home from a recruiting mission over in a far away town when Sabertooth decided to make an appearance. In the fight the team some how managed to get Sabertooth to land on the van which is how it ended up in the ramshackle conditon it was in now. Soon the mean beast ran off realizing his main target, Logan, was not with them and didn't want to waste his time on useless kids. After he left the team took one look at their vehical and realized that they would not be going any where any time soon.

Finally Scott's conversation came to an end and he hung up the phone while turning to the awaiting team.

"Okay so Logan's on his way. The blackbird is still in repair so he'll be awhile since he has to use Storm's SUV instead."

"How long is a while?" asked Kurt who had ended his pebble war with Kitty.

"Well." Scott thought it over for a second, doing the math in his head. "We're about three hours from the mansion. But if theirs any traffic on the high way, which thier probabaly is, it would take him much longer to get here."

The whole team shared a frustrated grown at the news. It was 2 AM and they were stranded till Logan showed up for them. Just lovely.

"Is it just me or does this feel very familiar?" Kitty lowly asked Rogue who snorted back "We never speak of that night again." she said back evenly to which Kitty nodded knowingly. ( **AUTHORS NOTE: If you read chapter 7 of 'Room mates, you either love them or kill them' you would know what Kitty was talking about.)**

"I saw a Walmart about a mile back before Sabertooth decided to drop in on us. I say we get Kurt to port us there and we just hang out till Logan finally gets his butt here." suggested Rogue.

Before anyone could say anything Scott spoke up. "No." Rogue eyed the sunglasses wearing boy. Scott felt the intensity of Rogue's gaze despite not being able to really see her to well in the low light the near by street lamp gave off.

"Logan said wait here for him. Not to mention we can't just leave the X-van here. What if someone steals it?"

"Umm Scott, I highly dought the van will be going any where anytime soon." pointed out Jean, must to his carnage because she wasn't siding with him.

Kitty also spoke up, further crushing Scott's agrument "At this point, if someone did steal it, they would be doing us a favor."

"Also, Logan wont be here for hours. We could go, get something to eat, strech are legs, maybe do a bit of shopping then be back here way before Logan ever gets here." Finished Rogue, who knew she had won.

Scott huffed and crossed his arms, unconvensed. Rogue rolled her eyes and stood up.

"All those in favor for going to Walmart for a couple of hours instead of waiting here for god only know how long, say I." she stated while raising her hand up.

Everyone but Scott said "I" simultaneously while also raising their hands to.

"All those who appose say Nay." Scott bellowed out a "Nay." but was the only one to do so.

Rogue smiled triumphantly " Ah democracy, it never fails." she said in fake nostalgia.

"Ready everyone?" asked Kurt who stood arms out waiting for everyone to grab on.

"Are you sure you don't want to come Scott?" asked Jean. She didn't want to leave him there by himself. He was her boyfriend after all.

Scott sighed and grabbed Kurts upper arm reluctantly.

"Someone has to make sure none of you maniacs do something stupid." he mumbled under his breath.

Kurt ported the group to a cluster of trees not far from the parking lot. Together they walked to the main entrance careful of the surprisingly heavy traffic. Even though it was 2 AM and most of the world was asleep, the super center was still packed with late night custumers and plenty of employees to keep the large store running 24 hours a day.

The X-men entered the colossal building squinting at the florescent lights that flickered above them. They would have kept going but was forced to stop when Scott stepped infront of them trying to act as leader with a game plan, even though they were in Walmart, not going into battle.

"Okay guys lets stick together, and not bring any unwanted attention to are selves." but no one was listening. Kurt by passed Scott and made his way over to the bakery eyeing the fresh donuts. Rogue and Kitty headed to the book section talking together not throwing Scott a glance. Nearly everyone left Scott hanging except Jean. She smiled to herself and shook her head at him.

"Come on Scott, lets go for a walk." she said while dragging him away from the entrance.

XXXXXXX

Rogue and Kitty had made their way to the book section located in the middle of the 20 different registers all located at the front of the store.

"Their book selection here sucks." said Rogue to Kitty who nodded in agreement.

"Most of these are bibles and self help books." Rogue growned "I want vampires."

"Oh look." Kitty said as she reached down for a thick, hard back from the bottom shelf. "I just know you want to pay 75 dollars for a Paula Dean cook book!" she said excitedly while holding the book up. Indeed, Paula Dean was on the cover holding a plate of cookies and smiling.

Rogue's face was taking on that glaring look she was well known for. Kitty didn't seem to care though.

"You know you want one. She's southern, just like you! She says ya'll all the time and likes fried food." Kitty held the book at face level with Rogue who was still glaring.

"Your sooo funny." she said dryly "Come on ya yankee, lets see if they have any more books." Kitty was still giggling at her bad joke as she cought up with Rogue.

As they walked Kitty spoke up while looking around them at all the passing custumers "Is it just me or are most of these people still in their pajamas?" Rogue had noticed to. Many women and men walked by in their bath robes and house slippers. Some women even still had curlers in their hair. One woman walked by with a full mud mask still smeared on her face.

"Wow." was all she could think of saying. Kitty nodded "Wow."

Rogue finally spotted a blue T-shirt unpacking some boxes over in the produce section. It was one of the employees.

"Excuse me." the guy wearing the blue shirt turned around and faced Rogue. "Could you tell us if their are anymore books other then those?" Rogue asked simply.

The man replyed back in broken english with a thick accent. "Me no speecky engliash." he said while shacking his head and shrugging his shoulders in the classic, I have no clue pose.

Both girls just kinda stood there, taking that in.

"Uhhh thanks." said a slightly confused Kitty with a raised brow."I think."

Both girls walked away after realizing quickly he was a dead end. "I wonder if anyone here speaks english?" idly wondered Kitty, while Rogue shrugged and looked around for anymore employees. "No clue."

XXXXXXX

Kurt stood before the donut case. So many different kinds, all so beautiful and delicious. The smell alone was starting to make his stomach growl. Pretty soon it was going to claw its way out and attack the food if Kurt didn't do somthing about his hunger. Having to port everyone to the store really drained his energy.

Now all he had to do was choose which ones he wanted. He carefully observed the case taking in all his options. Chocolate, glazed, cream filled. Kurt practically had his nose against the glass just like a little kid. But, something out the corrner of his eye grabbed his attention. He quickly glanced to his right and saw...Elvis. He couldn't help but stare. Its not every day you see Elvis at Walmart after all. Apparently Elvis had a thing for key lime pie as well, since that was what the man was putting in his cart at the moment. Kurt stared alittle bit longer taking in all the sequins and flashy colors on the mans jump suit. Kurt looked around him to see if he was the only one seeing this. Their were other people around but none really payed Elvis any attention. Kurt shrugged before going back to the donuts. When Elvis tried to rob the store would be when Kurt cared.

XXXXXXX

Rogue and Kitty had wondered over to the electrontics and spilt up. Kitty was thinking about getting a new laptop so she was busy comparing one to the other.

Rogue was over in the hard rock section of the CDs, also comparing one to the other.

She held in her left hand the latest album of Disturbed and in the other, the latest album of Five Finger Death Punch. It was a hard choose since she loved both but only had enough to get one.

A voice spoke behind her. "The new Five Finger Death Punch album is pretty good." It was that of a man's and it actually sounded kind of of deep and a bit seductive even.

'Oh please be cute.' Rogue though while she slowly turned around expecting to see a Calvin Klein model. What she saw was not what she was expecting.

It was one of the late night employees, as was evident by his deep blue T-shirt and name tag. But that was the only thing that told you that he worked at Walmart. In actuality, it looked like he would be more suited working in a freak show or on tour with Marilyn Manson.

Full sleeve tattoos covered both his arms right from the wrist all the way up, disappearing under his shirt sleeves. That was just his arms though. His neck was also covered in tattoos. This guy had everything imgaginable. Tribal markings, verses from the bible, even full portraits of numerous people were branded into every inch of skin that was visable.

He had no eye brows, more than likely shaved off. His hair was a short spiky cut which was dyed pitch black. The tips of his spiky hair were dyed a neon pink color. His eyes were out lined with tons of eye liner giving him a look of a raccoon. His nose held not only a stud on the right side but also a bull ring hanging from the middle of his nostrils and a ring through his lip. To top off his look, his gaged ears were so large, Rogue noticed, Scott could probably fly the blackbird through, no problem. Seriously, it looked like the guy was wearing car tires in his ear lobes.

Rogue had no right to talk. She didn't look exactly normal either. She had two tone hair, was wearing a leather skirt, black combat boots, and dark make up. She looked like something out of a vampire novel. But this guy out shinded her in the scary goth category by miles. Light years even.

It took Rogue a second to recover her composure. "Is it?" she chirped out while subconsciously leaning away from him incase he tried to bite her. The guy actully mangaed to creep her out alittle amazingly enough. Usually she was the one that creeped out people. He nodded and continued talk about the band while Rogue prayed someone whould save her. Yes it was very mean of her, but the more the guy talked the more Rogue noticed he had rapist eyes. Not to mention he kind of looked at her like she was something to eat.

Kitty was still over by the laptops comparing one model to another. She was so absorbed in her analyst, she did not notice the 8 foot Juggernaut standing next to her, looking at printer ink.

While she was debaiting in her head which computer was better she felt a slight tap on her shoulder. She turned her head to look at the man next to her.

"Excuse me miss, I don't know anything about computers I wa-" he stopped. They seemed to both realized who it was they were standing next to. Nether moved or breathed, they didn't even blink, but only stared at each other. The Juggernaut was not dressed in his battle suit and helmet Kitty noticed, but he wore a T-shirt, jeans and jacket with sneakers. In his hand was a small shopping basket already half full of items. At the moment he was a normal guy shopping at Walmart not attacking anyone in rage, as crazy as that sounds.

The silence was penetrating and extreamly awkward. Kitty took the initiative and carefully spoke, afraid of setting off his temper.

"Can I help you?" she asked slowly and politely. The Juggernuat blinked, once then twice before asking his question.

"I need ink and I don't know which one to get." he said just as slowly and politely as Kitty did. Kitty wondered if he though she would go nuts on him and call her team or something if he wasn't careful.

She asked him what kind of printer it was. He told her a certain brand and she looked at the many types of ink Walmart had for sale. Slowly, while still looking at him wide eyed she grabbed a box and handed it to him, which he took just as slowly. Awkwardness set in again.

Out off all the things Kitty had done in her time at the institute, this had to be one of weirdest and thats including the time she helped brake into area 51.

"Thanks." he said evenly and politely while still looking at her just as she looked at him.

She nodded slowly while turning around and walking the other way almost like a robot, laptops forgotten. He did the same turning in the other direction. Both had the same thought going through their heads ' Wow'.

Kitty breathed a sigh of relief. That was freaky. She decided now would be a good time to find Rogue. Kitty looked among the rows of electronics and soon spotted Rogue talking to someone. Or was it something?

Kitty pulled a face at the guy, or goblin maybe?, that stood talking to Rogue who didn't look to comfortable with him talking to her. Kitty's best friend insticts kicked in while she swooped in for the save.

"Rogue!" Kitty hollered causing 'IT' to look at her oddly. Rogue's face was a cross between desprate, scared and pleading. Kitty quick walked over to the girl and grabbed her arm.

"I have been looking everywhere for you! Its time to go." Kitty started to pull the girl away by her arm, which Rogue didn't protest to at all. They walked by the guy that had been talking her ear off. Kitty quickly smiled at the confused man and through a explaination over her shoulder without stopping "Sorry she has to perform brain surgery in the morning!"

Kitty and Rogue practically ran out of electronics.

When the girls finally slowed down Rogue grabbed Kitty in bear hug ." Oh thank god! I thought I'd never get away."

"What have I told you about taking to strange men?"

XXXXXXX

Scott and Jean had been walking around the store for a while now, not really looking at anything.

"Oh my god, Scott look at this shirt." said Jean as she pulled Scott over to the mens clothing section. She was looking at a T-shirt that had a picture of Grumpy from Snow white and the 7 Dwarfs.

"This has Logan written all over it." she said while holding it up for him to see.

"He'll have you running danger room sessions forever if you give that to him." Scott said while looking at all the other T-shirts.

"The look on his face would be worth it." she said smarty while throwing it on her arm to hold.

Scott looked back in Jean's direction about to say something when he stopped. He scrunched up his forehead and tilted his head to the side in confusion.

Jean noticed and asked "What?"

He pointed past her making Jean look over her shoulder.

Their wasn't anyone else but a single man who stood by the mens underwear section going through a rack of boxes. The man himself looked, well not normal. He wore all black sweat pants and black sweat shirt. The real odd thing about him was the towel he had tied around his neck. It looked like a cape almost. On his face he wore a toy batman mask, complete with pointy ears and bat symbol stampted on his forehead. More thanl likely he got it in the toy section.

Jean looked back to Scott for some kind of explanation but he seemed to entranced with watching the weirdo across from them.

Jean turned back in time to see the man grab a pair of batman boxers. Batman was printed in yellow around the waist band and a giant bat symbol over the whole front. The man prosecded to put on the boxers over his pants. He then grabbed the ends of the towel or cape in this case and starting running and weaving back and forth between customers who didn't even bat an eye. As he ran and weaved he sang

"Dunna nuuna nuuna BATMAN!" over and over again.

Jean and Scott were still watching the scene infront of them, it was impossible to look away.

"Jean." Scott spoke up. You could tell he was a bit freaked out by what they were watching.

"Yes, Scott." she replyed back almost as freaked out.

"Is this real life?."

"Yes Scott, it is."

"Oh okay."

XXXXXXX

Kurt had payed for his donuts in the bakery and was now walking around eating said donuts. He had no real destination in mind, but figured he would people watch while he walked and see if he could find Elvis again. So far he saw one guy dressed as batman running around singing the theme song, one dude dressed as a clown buying enough beer to put Logan to shame, close to twenty crying and tantruming children, three very odd looking employees, one of which had car tires in his ears. About five drunk people that ranged from simi drunk to incoherently shit faced, and so many people wearing pajamas and slippers Kurt lost count. Out of all this, no Elvis.

Kurt was in the middle of eating his sixth donut when a womans voice got his attention.

"Excuse me sir do you need help finding anything?" Kurts mouth was full so he just shook his head no and kept walking. But the lady, who was one of the few normal looking employees, followed him.

"Would you like to hear about some of the sales Walmart has going on today." the woman was very perky. She held an unwavering smile. But her smile was more scary then friendly. It was wide and toothy. Her eyes bugged out a bit from the intensity of her perkyness.

"Umm, no thank you, I'm fine." Kurt said but the lady kept walking with him.

Kurt raised an eye brow as he walked faster but the lady spead up with him.

It wasn't long till Kurt was running full speed clutching his case of donuts to his chest so he wouldn't loss any in his excape. She was also running full speed hot on his tail calling "Sir! Don't you want to hear about one of are sales!"

XXXXXXX

"It was not the Juggernaut, your crazy." said Rogue as she an Kitty walked down the candy isle. Kitty was trying very hard to convince Rogue that she helped the Juggernaut pick out printer ink.

"It totally was him! Hand to God!"

"Whatever!" said an unbelieving Rogue who was trying very hard to find were Walmart stached its supply of M&Ms.

"You can't make this stuff up Rogue! Not to mention we're the X-men. We see and do impossible stuff every freakin day! Seeing the Jugernaut at Walmart is not that far of a strech for us." said an excited and slightly exasperated Kitty.

"Well you got me their." said Rogue thoughtfully. Suddenly Kurt came barraling around the cornor at full speed. He hardly stopped in time before running into his sister.

"Hide me! Please! Shes after me!" he said quiclky and nearly out of breath.

Both girls stood there with raised brows. Rogue spoke up first.

"Only if you give me a donut." Kurt frowned and looked at the half eaten case debaiting whether or not it was worth it. He made his decision when he heard the women calling out "SIR!" from around the corner. He shoved a cream filled into Rogue's waiting hands and hide behind both girls.

The women turned the corner and came into the isle stopping before the two teens, not seeing the third hiding behind them.

"Excuse me ladys, have you seen a young man come by here? It is my Walmart employee duty to inform him about all you can save with Walmarts low low prices!" she said still smiling and bug eyed.

Rogue's mouth was full of donut so her reply was a muffled "Nao." with a head shake.

Kitty spoke up. "I think he went that way." she said as she pointed in the direction she just came from.

"Thank you!" she screamed as she ran off.

Kurt came from his hiding spot from behind their backs and exhaled deeply in relief.

"I want a donut." Kitty said with her hand extended.

"No, their mine." Kurt said greedily while shielding them away from her.

"OH MISS!" Kitty screamed trying to get the psycho empolyee back. Kurt quickly shoved a donut in her mouth to shut her up much to Kitty satisfaction.

The three ended up wondering around together, this time trying to find Scott and Jean. Along the way, Kurt would jump and hide behind anything that was close when ever he saw an employee, thinking it was the psycho lady that was after him. One time he jumped into a clothing rack in the woman department. It was a wonderful place to hide till a female customer came up to the rack and moved aside the clothes to find a teenage boy chewing on a donut. She was slightly freaked so they had to leave real quick after that.

Finally they found Scott and Jean over by sporting goods. But something was wrong with Scott. It probably had something to do with his huge swollen cheek. By the look on Jean's face, she wasn't feeling sorry for him.

"What the hell happened to you?" asked Kitty while trying to get a better look at his swollen and red face.

"He got in a fight!" said a very pissed Jean.

"And you didn't call us!" asked a disbelieving Rogue.

"What happend?" asked Kurt who wanted all the details.

"I'll tell you what happened! Some punk thought he could flirt with Jean. I told him to back off but he wanted a fight! So I gave it to him!" Scott was close to foaming at the mouth, he was so viciously mad.

"He was an Elvis impersonator Scott! And all he did was complement my hair!"

Rogue and Kitty both busted a gut the second Jean said 'Elvis impersonator'.

"Oooh so you found Elvis." said Kurt not at all phased by the information.

"He started it!" was Scott's intelligent retort which only caused Jean to get madder. Objects started to fly off their selves and flought in mid air. Oddly enough, no customers seemed to mind this. They just kept shopping.

Rogue was still laughing. The mental image of Scott duking it out with Elvis was just to much for her to handle.

Kitty was also giggling about that while trying to poke Scott's forming bruise while he tried and failed to justifying his earlier actions to a seething Jean, who now had numerous objects floughting around her, some almost smacking Scott in the face. Kurt stood watching almost boredly, while munching on his last donut.

Finally Rogue calmed down and took to watching the arguing couple with her brother.

"Hey Rogue." he said, getting the girls attention.

"I have made a wonderful discovery tonight."

"And whats that?" she asked while trying to steal the last bite of his donut.

"All the weirdos that come out at night, all flock to Walmart. Its like the hearth of crazy and weird." Rogue chuckled and nodded.

"You can say that again. I actually feel kinda normal here" she said while turning her gaze to the still arguing couple.

Kitty spoke up catching both their attention.

"Guys. Elvis has left the building." she said offically while looking behind them. They turned to see a limping and slightly bloody Elvis exit the store through the garden center that wasn't to far away from them.

Rogue busted a gut, again, this time with Kitty and Kurt. Jean and Scott were still agruing very loudly. Still none of the late night shoppers payed them any mind.

_thanks for reading! hope you liked it! please review. i think this was the biggest oneshot i've ever typed! holy crap! anyways please review._

_P.S no Elvises were harmed in the making of this one shot. ;)_

_P.S.S i don't own xmen or walmart. (if i owned walmart my mom would so get a raise lol.)_


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